It's started off all wrong. I've been trying to maintain a degree of positivity until it was time to step on the scale this morning. I've gained 3 lbs this week and I don't know why. I Zumba 6 times a week, and I've had an average calorie deficit of over 1300 a day, and I've really been watching my carb and calorie count. I'm so discouraged. I've been working my ass off- try to walk 10000 steps a day, try to take the stairs, pass on the salt. But here I am, back again at 300 lbs. I don't think I've ever felt this bad or let down in my life. I exceed in all areas of my life except my weight. I graduated top of my class, I'm a semester away from MBA, I've always had an amazing job opportunity float my way, fantastic boyfriend but I just don't understand why I can't get my weight under control. My mom has suggested getting my thyroid checked and I'm going to. I just...really feel like I'm on this long road to nowhere. It meant so much to me to finally be under 300 lbs and now that I'm back here again- despite all my hard work, honestly makes me want to throw up. I feel like a failure. I've prayed, I've cried, I've run faster, jumped higher, and still I'm back here again. It would be one thing if I was cheating and eating whatever I wanted but that mere fact that I've been really really REALLY working my hardest is the biggest letdown I've ever faced. I'm my own worst enemy. I can never win this fight with myself.
My best friend is telling me to either change my diet, throw away my scale, or just accept the weight I am because it's not healthy to be manic depressive about this. She is right. I can't give up the low carb because honestly despite my failed attempts I actually feel better having some degree of control over what I'm putting in my mouth. Saying no to bread rice and potatoes actually makes me feel good that I can pass something up. I've never been able to do that before. I pile my plate high of everything I can find on the menu and scarf it all down. Now, I can pass up items even at a buffet. I've made a significant breakthrough in my lifestyle thanks to low carb and I won't give that up. I won't ever be content with the weight I am now, I was considering gastric bypass before I tried to do this naturally. Maybe I have to jump back on that. As far as throwing the scale away or putting it up, I may have to do just that. One of the bodybugg users on the forum told me she keeps her scale in the trunk of her car so she has to physically go get it every time she wants to weigh herself and it's a big pain in the ass. I may need to do just this. I leave tomorrow anyway so I won't have access to my scale for over a week and it may be just what I need.
Yesterday I purchased some water pills to help alleviate this gain if it was water weight and I still managed to go up on the scale so I'm afraid this isn't water weight afterall... I'm storing fat for some reason. I'm going to go to old navy today and put on a pair of jeans and see how they fit. I went up there about a month a go and squeezed my way into a 18. I mean it was super tight but I was satisfied because I was able to actually get my big butt in them! I haven't been in a 18 since high school. Maybe I'll feel better if there's less jelly rolls hanging off the sides this time.
Hopefully, I can feel less sorry for myself long enough to enjoy the rest of my day. My vacation starts tomorrow and I head off to Las Vegas and then California to see my family.